How to ask for help BEFORE your hair is on fire.
Question: Do you ever beat yourself up for not having the immediate solution to solve all your problems? Or for the fact that you're only willing to reach out for support once it feels like life's about to fall apart?
A few years ago as I was wrapping up a session, my client said, "With all the stress at work and home, our session gave me the exact insight I needed today to shift my perspective. But I really should have talked to you sooner...like, last month.”
“Why is it that I can't seem to call you until my hair is on fire?!”
I gave her a knowing smile, and confessed that a number of my clients shared the same tendency. As much as we would like to think so, none of us are above the "wait until my hair's on fire" behavior. We all do it at different times in our lives, and for a few primary reasons.
One reason is that many of us were never shown a model of what asking for help looks like.
American culture loves self-sufficiency. It loves the false superhero narrative of the individual conquering all obstacles by him/her/themselves. We are only as good as what we accomplish and courageously survive...all by ourselves. It's a story Americans have willingly swallowed for generations and because of our allegiance to it, rarely did we see our mothers, fathers or grandparents ask for help when they needed it.
We also live in a white supremacist patriarchy where women (particularly black women and women of color) are not the ones receiving support, but rather the ones expected to give it.
We're not trained to ask for help. We're trained to be the helpers which makes it incredibly disorienting and vulnerability-inducing when we realize we may not be able to figure everything out on our own.
So how do we break ourselves of the backwards belief that strength looks like sucking it up and single-handedly powering through? Or, in other words, what would it take to be sensitive and tender enough with ourselves to know when we needed help and bravely ask for it? (Before the sky began to fall, that is...) Here are my 5 steps to learning how to ask for help before your hair's on fire.
Check in with your body. Often times our body knows we need help before our mind does. Track where you're feeling tension, nervousness or worry in your body. What experience, belief or thought pattern can you trace to your physical sensations? Getting close to what your body is feeling opens the door to understanding what you need.
Get close to the need. Yes, it's true. You're a human with needs and you can't meet all of them all by yourself. That's completely normal. And yet, we spend a lifetime ignoring our needs rather than learning to access and name them. To get close to your need, place one hand on your heart and the other on your belly. Take a deep breath, think about a current challenge in your life and ask yourself, "What might make me feel supported in this moment? What would feel warm and kind? What help would allow my shoulders to soften and my belly to unwind?" Be specific and get into the details of what help might look like. (And if you draw a complete blank, don't worry. Continue to gently ask yourself these questions until even the smallest idea pops up.)
Challenge the story. Because we live in a culture that elevates self-sufficient individualism, any time we start to lean on others our cultural brainwashing is going to push back. Notice the judgements that begin to swirl in your head at the thought of asking for help. Also take note if you sense fear in being vulnerable and/or looking needy. These are unhelpful cultural narratives that, in reclaiming our care, we must compassionately challenge. To do so, replace the negative narrative with the wisdom that asking, offering and receiving help is required in order to develop a loving, interconnected society.
Troubleshoot the Itty Bitty Shitty Committee. Your Itty Bitty Shitty Committee is a group of voices in your head that love to remind you what a f*ck up you are. And so, they are going to have lots to say about you asking for help. When you notice the inner voices telling you you're overreacting, to not be such a baby, to suck it up and/or handle it yourself, take a breath, and answer them. Say, "Thank you for your diligence in trying to keep me safe and small. I'm going to do the uncomfortable, brave thing now because that is what I need. You can take it easy and relax... I've got this."
Practice the ask. Choose someone you trust. A good friend, a co-worker who's great at listening or a highly recommended professional. Allow yourself to let this person hold space for you, support you through a tough transition or simply pick up your packages while you're out of town. Imagine what it would feel like to open up to that support, no matter how big or small. How might this shift your experiences of overwhelm, confusion and stress?
As you begin to practice these 5 steps, notice what happens to your judgement, your shame and that old story of how real strength looks like being a need-less, emotion-less wonder person. Of course we all love to feel strong in doing things by ourselves and yet there comes a time in which it is more courageous to reach out and ask for help than it is to keep going it alone, the same way you always have.
Taking care of ourselves in a way that's regenerative and life-sustaining is a brand new form of self care. It takes practice and asking for support is where we start.
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This conversation is between myself and an incredible woman named Ani, who shares how she learned how to be authentic, practice self-compassion, and take up space without guilt or shame through my 6-month group coaching program, Homecoming. Ani is a model for how to excavate internalized misogyny and live authentically without fear of others’ opinions. The conversation originally took place on my podcast, The Path Home.