Power over versus power within.
Over my 15 years of coaching I've had countless clients ask me, "If I know I want to be less controlling in my life, why do I keep defaulting to it?"
There are a number of reasons why we seek to control. Many of us developed controlling behaviors as children to create a sense of stability and safety in an otherwise chaotic/unsafe environment. Some use control as a way to manage anxiety about the future or the unknown, while others seek control as a source of power over, a way to feel strong and assert dominance at the cost of others' humanity.
Dominant culture teaches that we are only as good as what we can control and who we're superior to. This doctrine of dominance pushes us to exert power over in as many circumstances as we can. We exert power over our bodies through dieting, power over our careers through hustling, power over our children through rules and regulations, and power over our relationships through intimidation, constant over-giving, manipulation and/or withholding.
We've been taught that wielding power over people, things, nature and our own lives is the only way to win... and winning is the only way to ensure our comfort and safety.
If we lose weight, we are safe from shame and rejection.
If we eat perfectly we are safeguarded from illness.
If we dress well, put in our contacts + do our hair/makeup, we're safe from judgement.
If we over-give, we are safe from our partners leaving.
If we stay quiet, we are safe from pissing people off.
If we make a shit ton of money are safe from being a "loser".
Whether consciously or not, when we exert power over our bodies, our work, our voice, our energy and our relationships, we are reinforcing hierarchy, patriarchy, racism, ableism, homophobia, anti-Semitism and all the other systems that keep us oppressed and separate from one another and ourselves.
Power over takes us away from the truth of who we are, disconnects us from our inner voice, and focuses us on external accumulation and "winning" as our only purpose.
Conversely...
Power within is the process of remembering who we are, what we care about and how we're going to live life on our own terms. Power within keeps us centered and grounded on the truth that we are far more than how we look, who we keep happy, who we dominate, who dominates us and what we produce.
Power within also allows us to build authentic relationships based on clear, loving boundaries all the while keeping a warm and open heart.
Power within gives us permission to live at the center of our own lives for it frees us from the harmful cultural narrative that women are to be constant helpers and givers (h/t Kate Manne), courageously sacrificing their lives so others may fully live theirs.
Accessing power within is the only means by which to establish true power, peace and presence. When we let ourselves get still, the power we seek is right there inside just waiting for us. We can then use this power within to access our desires, examine the beliefs we've been taught and challenge the beliefs that deplete, disempower and disconnect us.
In other words, when we are in right relationship with our inner world, our external world flows more naturally. When we trust ourselves and are in touch with the power within, there is no need to dominate or control.
So how do we begin to cultivate power within?
We:
Take exquisite care of ourselves; mind, body, heart and soul
Eat, sleep, rest and play before we're on empty
Challenge narratives that keep us second-guessing and doubting ourselves
Stop using stress as a status symbol (h/t Brene Brown)
Honor our bodies as sacred and worthy of reverence
Say NO and YES from a place of alignment and discernment rather than obligation
Quit feeling guilty for everything
Become more loyal to our truth than to what people think of us
Stop believing there's always more we can/should be doing
Bravely trust what we feel and know, deep within us
As you begin to swap power over for power within, start to notice what shifts in your body, your emotional landscape and how you relate to yourself and others. What starts to become easier and what still feels like a sticking point?
If you’d like to explore how to create more power within, consider joining us for Homecoming.
During our 6 months together, you’ll learn how to center your joy, navigate self doubt, resentment and internal harassment, cultivate self compassion, redefine success, set exquisite boundaries and drop the need to please, all in the company of 6 other supportive and loving women.
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Click the picture below to set up a clarity session to learn if Homecoming is right for you.
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This conversation is between myself and an incredible woman named Ani, who shares how she learned how to be authentic, practice self-compassion, and take up space without guilt or shame through my 6-month group coaching program, Homecoming. Ani is a model for how to excavate internalized misogyny and live authentically without fear of others’ opinions. The conversation originally took place on my podcast, The Path Home.