5 steps to navigating change in an ever-changing world.
I've been thinking a lot about change recently. It's as if every time I catch my breath and get used to life "as it is", something shifts.
There's a change in the world. A change in my 3 year old's sleep pattern. A change in my body. A change in the law.
Change, change, everywhere change.
And while we know, logically, that the only constant in life is change, it can be hard to weather. The brain is a pattern-seeking device which allows us to feel calm and settled in the presence of comfortable consistency and known routine. Change messes with our sense of safety and sends our brain scrambling in all kinds of anxious directions. While most of us have learned to adapt well to life's common changes, when we're hit with change again and again, one after another, it takes a toll.
Just yesterday I was giving a talk for a group of Capital One employees. The topic was how we build resilience, resolve and curiosity in the face of change. We started by discussing what change feelings like in our bodies, our knee jerk reactions to change and the desire to seek control when faced with the unknown.
We also talked about perfectionism and how we often lean on perfectionism as a way to feel safe. The problem with leaning on perfection, we uncovered, is that while we think perfection will protect us in the face of change, it actually pulls us away from our center of knowing and self trust which feeds anxiety and self doubt, compounding the fear created by change.
So how do we settle and find center when our days feel like an ever-changing barrage of who-the-hell-knows-what and perfectionism and control won't actually save us?
Here are 5 steps to help you find connection and calm in the face of whatever change is knocking at your door:
1. Breathe and remember all you've lived through already. You are resourceful and have faced all kinds of changes in your life. Remember, you've done this before and you can do it again.
2. Ask: What do I need in this moment? Get close to whatever feelings you're having about this change and offer yourself what you need. Perhaps you need reassurance, self-compassion or tenderness. Give yourself what you need and notice what changes in your perspective.
3. Impact what you can. While we can't control everything, we do have power to impact the things we care about. What's one thing you can do to move things in the direction you want them to go? This is not a promise that things will work out perfectly but rather an action step that offers you a sense of power and agency; two very important feelings when we're facing change.
4. Reach out. Call people. Ask for help. Share what's hard. Never underestimate the power of connection and letting yourself be held and seen in a rough moment.
5. Accept what you can't change. Impact what you can and hold the rest very lightly. We love to believe that if we just try hard enough things will go our way. Sometimes that’s true, and sometimes it’s not. Also, accepting what you can't change isn't giving up. It's a brilliant move of self-preservation so you have the energy to make an impact where it will actually make a difference.
I hope you find these steps helpful.
Sending so much love.
If you enjoyed this post, please keep reading!
This conversation is between myself and an incredible woman named Ani, who shares how she learned how to be authentic, practice self-compassion, and take up space without guilt or shame through my 6-month group coaching program, Homecoming. Ani is a model for how to excavate internalized misogyny and live authentically without fear of others’ opinions. The conversation originally took place on my podcast, The Path Home.