3 ways to stop picking up people's sh*t

Don’t pick it up,” I said.

A dear client was sharing a story about an interaction that had left her feeling slimed. She wasn’t sure how the whole thing went sideways and was hoping I could shine light on 1) where the communication broke down and 2) how she might have handled it differently.

“You shouldn’t have done anything differently,” I said once she finished. “You were trying to connect and find understanding and they dropped a load of shit at your feet.”

I took a sip of water for dramatic pause. “Your issue”, I continued, “is you think it’s your job to pick up the shit. It’s not.”

“Don’t,” I repeated, “pick...it...up.”

MIND BLOWN.

Truth is, many of us are amazing shit-picker-uppers. It doesn’t matter who the shit belongs to, if someone drops a steaming pile of it in front of us, we always pick it up. Always.

So why do we pick up the shit?

Because we don’t want conflict.
Because we feel responsibility must be taken and if someone else won’t, we might as well.
Because shit stinks and we want it cleaned up so everyone can be happy and comfortable.
Because we’re really, really good at it.

Picking up the shit also makes us feel good about ourselves, for a moment at least. It reminds us that we’re problem-solvers who deftly handle tough stuff and get life back own track, quickly.

So here’s the thing:

Yes, we can handle tough stuff AND there’s a difference between being able to handle challenges and weighing ourselves down with shit that’s simply not ours.

It’s also important to notice that when we’re busy being knee deep in other people’s shit, it’s very hard to live the present, peaceful and powerful lives we say we want.

So how do we quit this less-than-helpful habit?

Here are three things you can do to stop picking up other people’s shit:

1. Take a breath and ask, “Is this mine?” Asking this question stops our knee-jerk reaction to mindlessly pick up shit and gives us breathing room to choose how we’d prefer to handle it. The beauty of this question is when we give ourselves permission to leave alone what’s not ours, we have more space to focus on ourselves, our needs, our desires, our growth and YES, our own shit.

2. Get under your need to fix. We so often jump to action before exploring our WHY. Consider the question, “Why do I need to fix this?” and see what comes up. Perhaps you’re being driven by a need to control. Perhaps it’s hard to sit with other people’s discomfort. Maybe you believe you’re the only one who can handle this issue properly. Whatever it is, knowing our why offers us choice and when we have choice, we have freedom to do things differently.

3. Offer yourself tenderness. Not fixing things or swooping in to save the day is hard. Really hard. As you practice not picking up other people’s shit, offer yourself lots of love and compassion. My favorite thing to say to myself is, “I know this is new and hard and you’re doing the best you can. I’m right here with you.”

The next time someone leaves a pile a crap at your feet (or on your desk), take a breath remember this:

Just because there’s a mess doesn’t mean you have to be the one to make it disappear.

If you enjoyed this post, please keep reading!

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