The NEW LIFE of Motherhood
I used to think children ruined your life.
I used to think I'd have no time for work or fun or rest. I used to think I'd be so worn down by months of middle of the night feedings that I'd be unable to function. I used to think having children would just be too hard.
And while I'm finding many of these thoughts to be true, here's what I never thought:
I will be dumbstruck by the love I feel.
I will think childbirth is a true privilege.
My heart will break open every time my child looks at me with recognition.
I won't mind changing diapers.
I will miss her when she's asleep (even while I'm desperate for her to nap).
Her morning smiles will leave me flushed with an intense desire to bite her face.
I will be thankful to have someone to think about other than myself, my fears, my worries, my work, my needs, my my my my shit.
Yes, my child has ruined my life, at least the life that used to be. There is little/no free time, I have to dig deep for any creative juice, I can now fall asleep standing up and I can't remember the last time I did yoga. Nothing is as it was and yet the loss of my pre-baby life only stings when I try to get back there. When I try to make life as it USED TO BE or believe I should have the same time, space or energy that I did before. My new life only sucks when I think I should be, and look like, my before-baby Jamie just now, you know, with a f*cking baby.
The new life that's here, is a life of naps and nights in and nursing. A life of spit up and sour-smelling clothes. A life of soft tummies, softer hips and even softer thighs, a life that actually quite sweet when I let myself live in it. When there is no other place I'm supposed to be, no other way I'm supposed to look, and no other way I'm supposed to mother or feed or "train" my child, I really like it here.
As it turns out, life isn't ruined at all. It's new and complicated and different. It's sweet and hard and boring and thrilling. And when I let myself be PRESENT for it, for the new life that's here, there's no other life I want.
If you enjoyed this post, please keep reading!
This conversation is between myself and an incredible woman named Ani, who shares how she learned how to be authentic, practice self-compassion, and take up space without guilt or shame through my 6-month group coaching program, Homecoming. Ani is a model for how to excavate internalized misogyny and live authentically without fear of others’ opinions. The conversation originally took place on my podcast, The Path Home.